I was
having tough thoughts on which interpersonal conflict I shall share with the
class, and have finally settled down on a very personal issue, as I would very
much hope to solve the ongoing conflict between my Mother and myself. Or
strictly speaking, the conflict between my Mother and the rest of us.
I have 3
elder sisters and my mother divorced with my father nearly 2 years ago. When I
was in secondary school, I hardly see my Father at home and whenever I see him,
is when he needed to get money from my Mum, or he just needed a place to sleep.
And due to his spending pattern, most of the family’s money was pooled in to
clear his debts and had to file for bankruptcy.
My whole
family’s life changed drastically and my mother became very sensitive and
negative towards life. I earned my own pocket money since Secondary 3 to pay
for all my bills and school fees, and whenever I work temporary jobs during
holidays, I would contribute to the household, just like the rest of my
sisters, to help ease the financial burden. Accurately speaking, my mother does
not even have to worry about the household financials as they are all taken
account for by the 4 of us. However, she will start to nag and complain why we
are not contributing enough money, and start to rack about the past on how much
money she “wasted” on us and why my Father went away with another woman and on
and on. And this happen EVERYDAY.
I did try
to put myself into her shoes, think for her and talk to her but all that seems
useless. Furthermore, her sensitivity towards money always get on my nerves,
and at times I was thinking to myself, “I am paying everything myself and I DO
contribute to household expenses in the holidays. What more do you want from
me?”
She is
alright for most of the time, but whenever our conversation involves money, she
would start to scream and nag about the same old lines. It had come to a point
whereby we simply sigh and walk away whenever she does that. I always thought
to myself, this should not be the way a family should be. And shouldn’t we be
more united and closely bonded due to the tough times we have gone through?
Maybe some
of you might have experienced something like this before, and could provide me
with any opinions on what I can do to ease this conflict. I would greatly
appreciate it. =)
Hi Shi Ying,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. I am glad that you are willing to share this personal problem with the class. Personally, I am hesitating as to whether I should comment on this post. I am sure that this is a touchy issue. Nonetheless, I decided to share some of my thoughts on this problem and I hope that you may gain some insights from me, if any.
I understand that conflicts happen to all of us. Be it our friends, family members, colleagues, teachers or whoever it may be.
In my view, the only difference to how conflicts are resolved is the way we respond to the situation. This is by no means an easy feat as solving conflicts involve emotions and not just rationality. It may be difficult to achieve that but it is not impossible.
Many families have financial difficulties. This phenomena happens on a global scale not just you and me. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in such conflicts.
In my view, your mom's concern is valid as she is the sole breadwinner in the family. She is under tremendous pressure to ensure that you and your siblings have sufficient money to spend. All parents want the best for their children, including yours. The only difference, like what I have said previous, is perhaps the way you and her respond to the issue.
I am certain she did not intend to bother you with this issue. I think she is just trying to air out her frustration inside her to feel better and it just coincided that you are that medium. Of course, it does not feel good to be that medium. Having placed myself in your position, I decided to share my belief with you and whoever that is reading this post.
Here is my belief: I, myself, cannot change the world to suit me but I can always change myself to suit the world.
So in your case, it is unlikely for you to change your mom behavior. After all, she has been like that for some many years right? If you can change someone's behavior in such short time, you could be a god because only god can change someone's behaviour over night. So since you are not a god, then perhaps you could change yourself to suit her. It is easier for you to change your thinking rather than seeking others to change. This is a challenge. Not many people like to change themselves because it is hard to do so. While it is hard to change yourself, it is even harder to change someone.
I could go on forever but to limit myself, I would give a few pointers on what I would do if I were you:
(1)Since this is a one-off event that occurs occasionally, I would try to be positive and not let her comments affect me. This is the change I would make.
(2)I would not appear to be frustrated. This would make the situation worse as she would be even more upset.She might have interpreted your frustration as a form of rebellion and lack of respect towards her contribution to the household.
(3)Whenever she starts nagging, let her do so for a while. She will stop eventually. It is just that most of us cant wait for that long. The intention of letting her nag is to show her respect and lend a listening ear. Perhaps one way to exit the situation would be to say, "OK, i understand. I need to go and study now." Of course, you should repeat (2) to look sincere.
(4)Dont let such situation affect your relationship with your mom. Continue to chat with your mom about random stuff i.e. TV, studies, etc.
Thank you Bernard!
ReplyDeleteI had second thoughts whether I should make this post myself. But the immense need to clear off this ongoing conflict empowered me with the courage to do so, and throw aside all those thoughts on how others may perceive me and my background.
I did pointer number 3 suggested by you but i guess my mum is more than happy to nag even more! =)
And yes, i do maintain a normal relationship with my Mum, and really treasured the positive side of her when she smiles and laughs, teach her English and talk about TV dramas together.
I guess my flaw is that I wear my feelings on my sleeves and i show my frustrations easily. I will heed your advice and try to remain calm and not look frustrated whenever she starts nagging about the sensitive issue.
Thank you Bernard!
Hi Shi Ying!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your current blog post, I have to take off my hat as a sign of respect. Despite having such serious personal difficulty, you hardly show such sign in class and remain living your life as a cheerful girl. I also admire the fact that you are already a breadwinner for your family at such a young age.
Like Bernard, I am honored that you are sharing this personal problem to the rest of the class considering that all of us only know each other for short time.I also am not too sure about replying to this post of yours for many reasons including the fact that I have not had similar experience as yours. I have never understood the feeling of a child of divorced parents – my parents did fight a lot when I was young and threats of divorces were constantly in the air along with some dishes or porcelains during such fights, but my parents make up in the end.
From what I have read, I would say that your mother is frustrated with financial burden that she have to shoulder.I would also suggest that she does feel some sense of unhappiness and helplessness since your father left the family and left her alone to take care of the family they have started together. Unfortunately, her method to release her frustration is to chide all of her daughter about how they have been a burden in her life. I would not comment whether her nagging is valid or not considering that I am clueless about the detail of your family financial situation.
If I were you, the first thing I would do is to realize that deep down she loves all for of you despite all the things that she said. Although the previous sentence may be difficult to believe when your mother begins to call you a “financial burden”, I believe that her action speaks louder than her words. Remember she is the one who take the custody of all four of you. She does not abandon all four of you although she had a choice to.
I understand this is difficult thing to do, I have also experienced it. When my mother was furious in the past, she did not mind to hurl insults and even vulgarities to me and my siblings. However, she never physically abused us and always take care of us. Every time your started to air out her frustration just remember her sacrifice.
The second thing I would do if I were you is to have family gathering and tell her honestly and firmly but courteously regarding this problem. You said that your siblings choose to sigh and walk away rather than trying to resolve this problem. However, do not confront her when she started screaming and nagging, but do it when she is calm and able to think rationally. Do not bring it as a topic about family’s finance, but treat is as a problem about family relationship. If topic about finance comes up, ask her calmly what you and your sister could do to help her shoulder family’s finance. If you and your sister have done it in the past and it did not work, I would suggest that all of your family to consult professional counselors at NCSS (National Council of Social Service). They had special support services to provide counseling and support groups for single-parent family.
Lastly, it is also possible that your mother has psychiatric problem like my mother and thus unable to control her emotion properly. Please understand that I am not trying to belittle your problem by stating that it is just a disease. My mother visited a psychiatrist after an advice from her friends and after some period of treatment with medication, she becomes more emotionally stable. I understand my mother psychiatric condition considering that I inherited it from her and in the past (and even now sometimes) when I could not control my temper things often go very ugly indeed.
I hope the situation between you and your mother can be resolved and all of you can lead a harmonious life together.
Now that i look back at my posts, my conflicts with my mother have resolved. But my conflict with my sister began instead. I guess it is difficult to avoid conflicts in life.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Shiying,
ReplyDeleteI believe Bernard and Eric have covered almost 99% of what i wanted to say. I shall just add on a bit. Firstly, I admire your courage to bring up a personal issue to share with all of us. Also, it must be hard on you and your sisters to be sharing the financial burden at a young age. Perhaps, you may want to seek financial assistance from school if you have not done so?
I know that it is a pain in the ears whenever your mum starts to nag whenever you step into the house. Most singaporean kids experienced naggy parents. However, for your situation in which you are living in a single parent family now, it is more than essential for your family to stay close together. Family bonding and cohesion is more important than anything else. I have several friends whose parents have divorced as well. The most recent case was that my tuition kid cried in front of me during tuition after knowing that his parents are getting a divorce. Children are always the ones who suffer most in such situation. I know you have done what you can do to please your mum, be it financially or emotionally. One thing i would suggest is that you may want to give your mum a hug whenever she feels uncomfortable when it comes to money issue? I believe that at times when verbal communication fails, non-verbal communication may be effective. You can do so through your gestures. The sense of touch you give to your mum will enable her to feel the love and warmth from you. Occasionally, naggings are inevitable but the main thing is not to stop your mum from doing so, but to acknowledge that you really care and understand what she is talking about. Perhaps spending more time with her will be good. You can try planning more family activities on weekends for more bonding to improve the relationship.
Stay strong and cheerful ok! For you are one of the pillars which you family cannot do without. Hope your relationship with your mum will improve! :)
Yong Sheng
Thank you Yong Sheng =)
DeleteThis is a powerful reflection on your family troubles, ShiYing. I truly appreciate -- just as your sympathetic peers have stated -- that you have been willing to share this situation with us. Like Eric mentioned, too, you deserve so much respect for being able to not just endure the difficulty with a smile but work toward making your family's life more livable. I really admire the fact that you are delaying your gratification: studying hard while developing the skills you need for a future job and career that might help you and your family in the long run, while there must be great temptation for you to look for a job now.
ReplyDeleteAside from the fact that in this "assignment" you have described the problem and the participants clearly and concisely, you have received well intentioned, insightful feedback from three of your classmates. In short, you've done a very good job communicating this scenario. I hope that in the process it's given you a measure of satisfaction, and that some of the wisdom shared by the guys will be of value to you.
I should also say that though I've only known you for a month, I've developed an admiration for your positive attitude -- what the others have called "cheerfulness" -- and now I am even more impressed, realizing that those lovely smiles and your upbeat nature are NOT cast in a place where you have had an opportunity to take things lightly but evolved along with inner strength in the response to serious hard times.
Thank you for all your effort, ShiYing!
Dear Shi Ying,
ReplyDeleteI can understand your feeling. Several years ago, my family got into a trouble and my mom became stricter with us. We often fail into many arguments that never-come-to-the-end. After every argument with her, I just wanted to retreat to a quiet place and cry. I found it deadlocked to solve the problem. I wished to escape to some place where the afflictions could not disturb me.
Then I went to the pagoda to stay for a week. I did not know what stimulated me to come up with such crazy decision; I had never been far from home at that time (when I was a child, I was very crazy and did many clumsy things). Fortunately, the pagoda was quite safe; my aunt had stayed there for several years. The peaceful atmosphere in the pagoda made me calm down and eased my discontent about my mother. I do not tend to advise you to go to the pagoda- it's religious issue, but if possible, try to find a place for your own where you can calm down and balance your emotions.
My suggestion is just like Bernard, Eric and Yong Sheng: give your mother some time to adapt to the situation. Perhaps she will understand your problem in some day but now she is too confused to think carefully. It is hard to recover after a painful hurt. Give her some time.
I believe you can warm up the family with your love and enthusiasm. Bravo Shi Ying :)
Dear Shi Ying,
ReplyDeleteI am over-awed by your courage and honesty. I would never have guessed you've been through so much by interacting with you. You have chosen to reveal a very intimate part of your life which most of us would never reveal. Since everybody has made very helpful suggestions about how to improve the situation, I will not make any. I would like to shine a different light on the issue. This may help you cope with the situation better.
1) Your mother has been through quite an ordeal and the pain, frustration and humiliation has to manifest itself in some way. I know she isn't justified in acting this way but some scarring is inevitable when shes been through so much
2)Every woman needs to feel cared for and loved. Your mother might not have felt this in some time so the best way to heal her is to shower her with love and affection no matter how difficult times are.
3)You've come this far through your merit and perseverance and the road ahead will take you even further than you think you can go :)
Hi Shiying!
ReplyDeleteThank you for trusting us with such a tender issue, you're really very brave!
Well, I certainly agree with Bernard. Changing yourself will probably be much easier than trying to convince your mother to have a more positive attitude in life. Hurt and pain can really change a person. While our situations are not the same, but I can fully empathise with your emotional rides. Even though I've yet to find permanent solution(s) and I don't know your mother personally, here's what my aunts and I've tried and they seem to work, just sometimes though:
- Whenever my grandma starts to vent her frustration and dilemma upon my aunts and I, we would at first try and listen, like what you've did. But by listen, I really mean just listening. Like you, we don't bother to say anything more because it's really pointless after a while. Even if she says she agrees, she'll probably still not see the point. And so, we merely listen calmly, but, we use body language to emphasise our stand, let her know we're not going to give any response, and that kind of discourages her to go on and on.
- You can try the pacifying approach. Let her know you know where she's coming from (you've most probably done this before), tell her incidents which show your empathy. Or share with her your style of handling finances, talk to her about it and slowly convince her everything's under control. Keep emphasising your empathy to assure her. She probably needs tons of reassurance. Then when she's more or less calmed down, try and talk to her in an understanding but firm tone (I have only succeeded less than 7 times so far, because I tend to flare up instead) and tell her about your own thoughts and feelings, and most importantly, your stand about the conflict or situation.
- If you know you're in a lousy mood when she's about to start again, immediately cut in firmly, but with control, and tell her you'll talk to her again later. Use hand gestures if it helps. But whatever it is, just try and make her feel that she still has your respect and so it might be easier for her to respect your decision as well.
- Spend more time with her if possible, have more family gatherings, let her know that this is still a family. Her experience could have impacted her sense of judgement, try sharing with her your idea of a family instead, remind her she's strong too for pulling through all these years. The only way (which still might not work) to prove to her that a family isn't all about financial worries and issues is through your daily actions of love. Takes a really long time though, and a lot of patience.
But of course, I do believe your mother knows how sensible and thoughtful a daughter you are, it's just her experience that's making her act this way. Try thinking of it another way, your mother has already been hurt once, and if she can't be healed, you can only try and make sure she won't get hurt again. Guess you could try this as a form of self comfort too, and to quote Eric, remember her sacrifices, and swallow all the angst we feel each time such things pop up.
Your courage truly gives me hope, and I really hope you'll continue to be generous with your smiles. They brighten up my day! (: Stay strong, and don't worry about being judged, because like what Rohit said, we are too awed to judge you.
Plus, everyone has their own stories, and as long as you know who you are, I think that's more important.
This quote reminded me of you after reading your post: You never know what someone is going through. A smile hides so much.
Really impactful post!
Hi Shiying!
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else has mentioned until know I didn't know a cheerful and happy person as you were going through all this. I can relate to some of the stuff but not as this bad.
I think that everyone above have mentioned what you can do, but I actually think you should sit down and talk to you mom. Tell her I understand you and what you are going through but she has to understand what you are going through also. First let it go a while, and see if there will be some changes if not, then its better if you talk with her and don't keep it inside of you. It will make everything much worse.
Wish you the best with your family!
Greatings, Sumea!